Today I was reflecting on how the holidays can be so difficult for so many people. I was praying for those I know who are struggling. I reflected on a time in my life when I felt so alone and sad. I felt like God wanted me to share…so here goes.
I am a Lesbian. Perhaps not the opening line you expected but I think it’s an important part of this story.
Growing up in the 70s our family attended the Methodist Church. My parents had an outreach ministry to the hippies. They were given a building behind the main church hall. Many young people gave their hearts to Christ in that place. Sadly however, because these young people were unwilling to cut their hair and put on suits my parents were told their ministry was not producing fruit. The church closed the ministry and my parents who had been very active in the church left. We lost Mum in 1985 and the next time my father would step foot into a church would be the church I would plant on the other side of the world to celebrate his 80thbirthday.
While our family didn’t attend church any longer, I would still sneak into churches from time to time. I enjoyed the music and hearing stories about this Jesus. While serving in the Marine Corp a good friend of mine also told me about Jesus. It seemed this Jesus kept popping up in my life and conversations, but I hadn’t actually connected in any real way. I think mainly because I was told that God didn’t love lesbians. I understood that he was a Saviour and I had said the sinner’s prayer, but I didn’t really connect with him. I realise now of course that relationship with Christ is so much more than saying the sinner’s prayer for a free ticket to paradise. Christ is the gift of God that never stops giving. I learned this truth during one of the darkest times in my life.
In the 90s I spent much of my free time hanging out in the bars because that’s where people “like me” hung out-in bars and on the softball field. I have so many fond memories from those days. I had so many dear friends; friends who “got me” -friends who loved me, friends who are still just a Facebook message away. I worked my corporate job and I played, but there was a part of me that missed sneaking into churches to hear about this Jesus. I ignored it for the most part because after all none of my friends were going to church….we wouldn’t be welcome.
God had a different plan however, and at one of the saddest moments of my life, a break-up with my partner I discovered a Jesus I had never known. I remember receiving a letter from two of my closest friends who had seen the hurt I was experiencing. The letter told me that it was time to come out of my pity party and “get over it”. I was so sad that I wanted to die. I gave myself 30 days (it’s just how my brain works) and thought, if at the end of 30 days I want to take my life I would give myself permission.
On Christmas that year I remember feeling so alone. I spent the day cleaning my apartment. I had just finished scrubbing the bathtub, (feeling like quite the old maid) when I decided to take a break. I opened the apartment door and was just sitting in my living room, my mind wondering, feeling sad that I was alone. I felt the sunshine on my face. It was warm like a blanket and I felt the presence of Jesus so strong. I’m not sure how I knew it was Jesus, I just knew. It was like a beam of light that came streaming into the apartment and rested on my face. I just sat there smiling for the longest time knowing I was encountering something so precious that I didn’t want to miss the moment. Later that afternoon while tending my small little patio garden I realised something and I said it out loud….today is the day I was going to take my life… but now I want to live. I prayed as best I knew how and thanked God for saving me through Christ. That day began the journey of a lifetime. I found a church, started learning more a bout Jesus and I could not imagine then the plans that God had for me that I am living now. My parents ministered to those on the margins, and God has asked me to do the same.
So I take this little life of mine and do the best I can…I play my best for Christ knowing that he accepts me fully and without reservation. He transforms my life not my sexual orientation and he says go and tell this good news.
We have all lost some beautiful people from our lives, all experienced great sadness. We dare not compare. But there is one who sees all and knows all and loves all; his name is Jesus Christ. Jesus can shine a light of love upon us but then he says please….be my hands and feet on this Earth so that those who are lonely, those who feel lost can experience my love.
May the love of God and the light of Christ fill the empty places in our hearts and may we love one another as Christ has loved us.
